I think there is so much going on here that I never want to admit to-
Much less deal with. Hand in glove, sort of. Acknowledging one demands admission of another. And in a way, it just all boils down to a percieved failure-that-I’m finding out isn’t, but something that I take as one. And so something I inadequately handle as one.
I just had to wade through several work shirts, a few coats, one very hot pink Kitchen Warfare hoodie to find the original notebook before I found the link again. I type this while glancing over my shoulder to the still cardboard boxed “living suite” I live with-and Teddy (Theodore for you particular pricks) from Alvin’s gang hanging out on my coin-change-sour-cream container. He’s holding down the quarters for the overpriced laundry situation here.
Hmm… Well, regardless of Teddy’s astute guard against the Evil White One (our new resident with a lot of pink on him), I realized I had to dig through a lot of unrelated/or was priorly related “books” to find this info.
“oh, golly geez!” I sez to myself, ” I need to clean this all up!”
And yeah, I swore a lot [still do], and kicked a lot (no, never at the Pink him!) but I now need to revise the book of… passwords and association. SL is over, so this is-no longer just a side of fabulous hair? Or maybe it is… I don’t know any more.
To be honest, I put myself into a blur. And yeah, I say “put” it was entirely intentional if even in a suspected subliminal sense. Smart? Oh, well, hell no. C’mon, when ever is self deprivation and self delusion smart? Who ever blindly sets up for destruction when they don’t really want it? Ahh, just-difficult to explain or even understand, really.
I had one week vacation around christmas…. I was ticked off that I couldn’t go Home to see our families. No, our jobs don’t work or coincide like that. Adding here, you f’ing food industry personnel are INSANE, you hear me? You’re so a different breed! I will NEVER understand it! But I DO appreciate it! Because those mornings that the ice is 3″ deep, and the roads are impassable, and I take the keys to someone else’s 4WD out (no, not a customer, my heavily overtaxed[tired] husband), I can always get a burger-or a gyro-or a freaking soda! And while I do? I just want to yell through the window, “Start a union, idiots! Why are you here?!”
And I know they wanna yell out at me while they throw that said soda in my face, “You Paid Crackers in Lincolns!”
And I’d so throw it all back, “I’m working on your colourless cars, assholes! Err, well, your boss’s car-he didn’t show up did he-yeah, but–wuhl! Damnit! We’re in the same game, okay? We’re all getting fucked for being poor! And staying poor in this asshole state! Thank you for the warm bit of whatever, and if you need an oil change, call me! And tell your boss to fuck off! I know I wanna do that to mine!”
Regardless…
Life here has been disgustingly inadequate. That’s as amply as I can put it. Bungle and I dream of our kitchen. We dream of our deck. We dream of our oven, and our tools and our couches. We dream of a hallway, and rooms and offices. We dream of a freaking house. I even dream of the cement slab and the work lights, the “tool box” I had-the hedgerows I would tend-the trees I would trim-the yard I would clip and maintain while we fought with a 50 era mower to shear the lawn . Hmm. All we had there-and all we gave up.
We’re embarrassed that all of That is squatting in other people living spaces. Rooms, garages, back-houses. We hate that this is to the extent we-well, it’s cut and run, really.
And how…
Me… I just want my old self back. House and yard aside? Yes, I want that. But I more want my characters back (G knows they hound the hell outta me!) I want my kitchen back-hey, it was the core we loved of our house, we always loved/and still love to cook for others-I want the MAZDA_lol_that was a joke… but I do miss my Bomba. It got me through so much. Carried me through an education to a leather bound Lincoln-THAT-IS-EXPENSIVE to fix! sue me, it’s a gorgeous limited edition motor vehicle, I had to have it. Heh, heh.
I don’t know what happened to me in that space, though.
For some reason, I just-ran away from everything. So weird to do that with everything I love and cherish.
I suppose abandoning this Blog was-well-c’mon, wtf is it really? Just mad ramblings that do all of dick?!
So…
Rethinking… Yeah, it’s mad rambling that does all of dick. But I didn’t start it to do anything either, really. I just started it to express some part of it all. Journal-document-whatever you want to call it…
And I realize now how much I do ….
ugh…
I hate admitting it…
How much I do like it.
Okay, there, it’s said.
Regardless, Stories are all on the JG collection site-
And I do have to say that Nindy and Schiele gave me a fucking run for my money over the holiday vacation. OMG I don’t even know how or when to start editing their chaos! I don’t even know what to THINK about it!
The one I’m -well, slackly working on conversion to Amazon-another one I have to go through with a fine-toothed-comb, but one I can never really separate myself from it because it deals with, well, the tension and confusion in separation…. I dunno.
88 will still be one of my favs… OMG what am I saying, whatever mood I’m in, then the story fits.
Be it mine or any one else’s.
It’s like asking someone, “What is your favourite food?”
“Well, what mood am I in?” I would have to ask. “Am I feeling happy? Am I feeling cold and alone? Or just cold and finishing a good day? Maybe too hot, sweating and weary? Am I tired, but do I want to stay awake just a little bit longer to stay with someone? Am I forcing up on my feet to actually DO the bidding of food?”
How can anyone ever really ask, “What is your favourite food?”
I always hated that question. I always found it insipid. And I imagine that is why most people answered “Pizza!”
Well, why not… It’s the common, easy response. If in the thick of it, always run with the easy out. “PiZZA!”
Hah! And there they go. And what did you learn?
ooooooooooooh, the stories….
And oh, I have to recheck/repair old digital data.
Hmm.
Well as far as Jacky Green is concerned, Nindy made a mad break for me.
C is about to get uploaded, I just need the RIGHT image for it-
and 88\
Ahh, 88 will always haunt me.
It did the moment it was born, and even though it burned to ashe-it’s still there.
As the “writer”-ooooh, it makes me terribly curious.
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oh and one last tidbit of music from the mad to anyone else with a unique ear:
“The Secret Meadows” – the Song of the Zhuang
Powerful! 🙂
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Do have to say, Nindy’s story got swift and overwhealming. So much so, even I have to re-read and censor-edit-understand-what a strange pair they have turned out to be!
But they surprised me. So very much surprised me.
Ah, well.
Till I find my senses again-as I so hope to do-
Rest well!
And adios
…
And all I really logged on for was an update to contact information. Wow.
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