So I was invited to participate in a Creative Element.
To be honest, that scares the shit out of me. I know I mentioned before being approached by a “real writer” for participation in a “group” and about shitting myself when they called me out on it. So freaked I lied my ass off about it.
And he smiled…. And knew I was lying my ass off. 😀
I know it’s the same for any field, really-no one is ever truly confident, especially if it’s a medium you’re attracted to but weren’t “trained for”.
I mean, I’m not super-ego when it comes to the work I do in my day job, but I’m way more confident there. There are even times I know it was my training and gut instinct because of such that GOT me to a point-and I might sweat the occasional time (fucking rare times, because I’m so retentive about my diagnosis process) I have to explain my logic-but at least there I’m always justified. That’s all logic. (And I love logic. I can’t stand when anything or ANYONE is illogical. And I run into too many people that are entirely illogical. That makes me flat out fucking MENTAL to be honest. “But that doesn’t make SENSE!” I will scream. Yeah, literally, I do that. If it doesn’t make SENSE, I don’t GET it! Where is the LOGIC? Where is the BALANCE? Logic! Logic, logic, LOGIC, you dwix!)
How the fuck do you justify a “creative art”?
…
It’s always been in my belief, mostly based in ART (which I stink at-REALLY stink at) that it’s an expression, a pleasure, a vent valve for the brain and soul-something that just HAS to be done. It’s not about what someone else thinks of it, it’s what YOU derive from it. That is Art. Maybe that’s misled of me to say, but I never look at anything (even things I think are complete shit, that’s just my OPINION) and say to the person, “OMG you SUCK! What are you THINKING? Find another outlet! If you CAN, you clueless piece of tripe! THIS is not for you!”
But I will in the next breath grin real big and ask, “Does it make you happy to do? Yeah? Then why the fuck are you listening to me, do your thing! Be happy! Not self conscious!”
Anyone that ever says that [prior mean rebuke] to someone else? Is a complete raging and judgmental (and self-depreciating) asshole.
Is it imagination, creation, rendition? Okay! Good start!
Are you happy doing it?
Fabulous! Two out of two!
Is it an outlet, a release, a way to express (psychos and nutters excluded, it doesn’t count if your “happy tap” involves manipulating/mutilating anyone/anything other than yourself)?
Brilliant!
Keep doing it.
I don’t think anyone that ever really has a passion they must “tap” does it because they want to be recognized for it. It’s just something that must be done. And honestly, I think it’s a sad thing that people hold back because they think, “I”m being judged if I do it. I’m not any good. I’m not ‘it’.”
Maybe it’s easier for me, because in the informal sense, I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of the dribble I’m leaving in the world. As long as the people I KNOW aren’t the ones to know that’s ME leaking that bile all over. I do ask that all my shit is burned with me in the crematory, and no one ever know how bizarre my imagination tends to get and thusly drive me to contaminate two laptops, one PC and the web. [It’ll only get worse, too!] It’s gotta get out some way-I’d rather squirrel my ramblings than be miserable and pent up with no avenue of “release”.
I had/have one story that sorta touches on that… I’d heard so many creative/imaginative/fascinating people in my life say, “Oh, I”m not ___”
….
It always pisses me off when I hear someone say that.
“It doesn’t MATTER what other people think, okay? Are you happy with your vent? Are you happy with your art/writing/music/EXP? Then fuck them! Why do you care what anyone thinks? It’s not about them, now is it? And who can really decide that any way? Do you do this because you expect to get fame, recognition or money? [If you do, it isn’t real art, BTW] You do it to satisfy yourself-your soul-you’re going to discredit all of that with ‘public/critic opinion’? Think about it-who are you really doing any of this for? Them? Hell no. You? Well, hell yeah!
So maybe you dare to share-maybe you get noticed, maybe you get liked-that’s just a side-effect. One that does come with it’s own strings.
Art, in any form, in my opinion, is the mind of the artist. That’s what I love to see. What I admire most is the person that doesn’t follow the expected, but someone that just “does” because it’s what they feel. It’s something you have to do. Something you feel, something you HAVE to feed, something you will feed, but ultimately something that feeds YOU. (Yeah, and it’s never enough-something else always pops right up behind the last, just as you’re heaving a sigh of relief, something else is scratching at your brain: bad news, folks, it never goes away. It never leaves you alone. Accept it.)
All that being said, I know the industry rebuttal: “Well, it’s just cuz you don’t cut the mustard!”
wuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhl…. They probably don’t use that ancient code, but it’s the same thing right?
I’ve had rejection letters [pressure to test the waters I didn’t even wanna temp!]-and most of them I was kinda proud of. (Once I got done cursing and actually read them.)
I was slated as a bit TOO different. Interesting, unusual, “imaginative”, orative [yeah, I tend to use conversation as a driver, but to me that’s how life is driven] but not mainstream enough to drive dollars.
At first, I was a little offended. [Yeah, just a little. It was like being rebutted for something you already knew] But then I had to laugh.
“Course I am… I’m not cookie cutter.”
And to be honest, I like that. I don’t fit a mold, I’m not “good”, my syntaxr sux, my spelling is bad, my grammar is atrocious, I sometimes address the “blue” (and not the kind you medicate, the kind you avoid) and I build disgusting worlds only to beat them out in the end. Get the picture?
I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t bother any more. I know what will come back to me.
But remember all-I [we] only ever do this to vent the valves-to entertain myself-to just get “whatever” out of me in “whatever form of a world” it may be at the time.
I “used” more than enough college ruled notebook paper when I was young just to scribble out fantasies and worlds-still have them, though I can’t read or follow the most of them, really. Used pencil… Doesn’t hold up well. Lotta grey and not naughty a fifty shades of it. (gag)
The one common thread through all of my life… There better be some way for me to write-or I’ll start marking up walls with an ink pen!
🙂
So, of course I’m daunted by “sharing” my crack-habit in any way shape or form that I could be directly called out upon. Cuz I can’t explain myself. I can’t explain my habit. I really can’t say why I do what I do, or what I get out of it-I don’t know my damn self. I’m sure some smartass shrinker could try to come up with a theory, but it’d be too late. (I’ve already written about them-heh-yeah, I studied that myself. Pysch, yup-I’ve already looked into all of that. I well know the drill they’d set into the press.)
I only have one justification for my addiction:
“Damnit, I’m a ASDF junkie! What do you honestly expect?! ”
And that’s it. Let me have it, damnit.
XD
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Can you burn a blog? Mmm…. No, but I know how to delete one. It’d be a line in my will: “KILL ALL MY RAVINGS! All the printed, all the laptops, all the discs, all the hardrives! ALL OF IT! DESTROY! I am NOT mad!”
heh heh
Or maybe I really am.
Cheers all-find your outlet and embrace it, and don’t ever-EVER-for one instant be ashamed of it.
…
Just leave no traces behind!
Ayaaa–I’m kidding!
I think.
😉
Jacky Green's 15k 
Everything runs in circles and writing is no different. That’s where writer’s block and bad first edits come from. I agree that art/writing is about soul… tapping into the part of ourselves that normally we keep silent. It’s there, always, but most of the time we don’t listen or hear it. I think art is just one way we can touch it at times. Sometimes it comes one like rushing facet. Sometimes all you get are drips, but the circle always comes back around. There’s always more water in that baby 🙂
yeah, shame is just another way to control people, it’s toxic. read a good book awhile back that pointed out GUILT is when you are guilty of something, and that is important because it keeps us from being psychopaths. SHAME is another story, and it’s pretty worthless. Not doing something because you don’t feel “good enough” at it is a dead end ’cause there’s no getting “better” without the DOing part. And anyone who wants to judge someone and what they create, rip them down about it, shame them and what they made — those people are usually the ones who get nothing done. I have 2 quotes on my desk now that help me fight that $h!t:
“I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.” ― Amy Poehler
“Follow your blisters” – Joseph Campbell
Anyway, I’ve found being willing to share and collaborate, even in small ways helps me feel more confidant and OWN my work. It makes me keep in mind that I need to trust myself above all, if I believe in something, or it spoke to me, then there’s something there. Something worth something. Even if it’s just worth something to me and me alone. 🙂
Where are you Jacky????